When Your Date Looks Like Jabba the Hutt

By notoriouslysinglegirl, July 22, 2023

You weak minded fool. He is using a Jedi Mind Trick!”

Jabba the Hutt

Dear Notoriouslysingle

I knew I should have swiped left. I knew the guy was pretty awkward looking. Definitely some type of reptilian alien or something.

His profile said he was an “entrepreneur “ and worked in “fashion.” I’m also an entrepreneur. I have some fashion ideas brewing in the fire. So I said “why not” and I accepted a date with “Jabba the Hutt!”

At first it wasn’t so bad. He texted with some savy happy hour options “Taix” in Echo Park, “Bar Felix” in Los Feliz and some other place in Silver Lake I can’t quite remember.

I was like “this guys got class!” Maybe he’s not a reptilian alien after all? Maybe he’s like that “good sleestack” in “The Land of The Lost.” The one that always helps out “Marshal, Will and Holly.” I think his name is “Enik?” He always seemed to have all the answers and knew when the right portals would open up.

However, I knew he was no “Enik” but definitely Jabba when he called me on the phone and said “ Hi babe! I’m running a bit late. I had to take a nap and lost track of time.”

There was a little voice inside my head that squeaked “Don’t do it. Don’t go!”

And I was stuck on the word “babe?” And then “nap.” I really didn’t know how to respond.

I kept the date. I met him at Bar Felix. A swanky outdoorsy French Cafe. There he was pleasantly seated outside waiting for me. As I walked up I saw him shifting his gaze from left to right as if he was scanning for something ? Princess Leia? Han Solo? The Men in Black?

We greeted each other. He then asked “Do you like my shirt? It’s the shirt that Leo wore in Romeo and Juliet the movie.”

I wondered if it was “Leo’s Di Caprio’s” shirt, how he got it to fit him?

I then saw him shift his eyes again much like a “lizard.”

“I’m just looking at all the fashion.” He said when I would follow his gaze to a group of hipster wearing some eclectic vinyl digs, neon orange tennis shoes with huge rubber souls, purple Gucci hat worn to the side, and some oversized Elvis glasses. Time travelers for sure.

Jabba asked me a question. Before I could answer he said “I’m hungry. I gotta order. I gotta eat.” And then he picked up my “readers” from the table and said “Caddis! I have a pair of Caddis too but I left them at home!” He then put on my Caddis readers and began to look at the menu!

Jabba jabbered through a triple dirty martini with 3 blue cheese stuffed olives, mussels loaded with stinky cheese, and some truffle fries. Before he drank his second drink, some cheap red wine he then shifted his eyes looking at fashion hipsters and turned to me and says “ I’m not 55, I’m 65. Don’t I look good for my age!”

The voice in my head returned “Run. Just run. When he shifts to look at a glow in the dark hipster just get up and go!”

But I couldn’t. I don’t know why. I was stuck. Kinda like when you’re watching a car crash on the freeway. You gotta slow down like the rest of the “looky Lou’s!”

After his second drink his mood changed. Kinda like when Jabba pulls on Leia’s chain and says “I shall continue to pull on your leash slave until you listen!”

“Am I gonna see you again?”

This time I listened to the voice and just left.

I think he thought I was a mannequin or something? Typical Jabba the Hutt.

Sincerely,

My Name is Not Babe. I am not a slave.

I don’t know where you get your delusions, Laser Brain

Leia Organa

Dear My Name is not Babe,

Typical

Never trust a slug like alien wearing a defunct Hawaiian shirt from R&J.

Sounds like Jabba the Hutt put you under a “Jedi Mind Trick.”

It was the “babe!” Throwing you off. You knew it was not appropriate. You’d never met this guy. He treated you immediately like you were his “property” his “slave.”

Typical technique that “groomers” use. Typical Jabba. Glad you got away unscathed. Always listen to that little voice in your head. Don’t trust a shifty eyed alien.

You’re Welcome

May the Force Be With You!